A village boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.
The boy asked his father: “ What is this, father?”
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded: “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide- eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed. The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde steeped out… The father said to his son,
“Go and get your mother!!!”

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow it will rain.”
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow it will storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.
“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.
“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

Sir” hissed the lawyer, “do you swear this is not your signature?”
“Yes.”
“Is it not your handwriting?”
“Nope”
“You take your solemn oath that this writing does not resemble yours in a single particular?”
“Yes”
“How can you be certain?”, demanded the lawyer.
“I can’t write,” smiled the man.

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First, she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said: "when I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam."
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren’t you pleased that you’ve come to live with us now?"

A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began:
“My name is Stone, and I’m even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there’ll be trouble. Don’t try any tricks with me, and then we’ll get on well together.”
Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name. “Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,” he said, and don’t forget to call me "sir".
Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one. This man remained last one. This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him, “When I ask you a question, answer it! I’ll ask you again: What’s your name, soldier?”
The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied.
“My name’s Stone-breaker, sir”, he said nervously.

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying.
“Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”.
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”

There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms. “If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o’clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least.” So a boy raises his hand and asks, “How much for a yearly pass?”

A couple was going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

HERE IS THE RETORT BETWEEN MOTHER AND HER CHILD

THE JACKASSES

- Now, John suppose there is a load of hay on one side of the river and a jackass on the other side, and no bridge, and the river is too wide to swim. How can the jackass get to the hay?
- I give it up
- Well, that's just what the other jackass did!